I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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