I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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