I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
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Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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