Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
