Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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