if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm really into asian looking animals
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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