non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
These tits shall not be calmed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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