I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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