Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How does one acquire holy water?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
