Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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