Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
