It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's rum buckets o'clock
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
