she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My liver just broke up with me...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
