I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
