he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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