Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
