the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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