Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
