Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
