apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
