I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
