I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We smell like vodka and hangover
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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