Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
