I swear she didn't look like that last week.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
