Cold hands, warm shart.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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