I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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