I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
