I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
