Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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