there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
