So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
