i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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