why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
