Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
