nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
