Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I intend to get homeless drunk
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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