I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
