The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
