My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
