He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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