please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
