I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
