you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
