Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
