my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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