i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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