We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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