Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
