Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
