A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
