Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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