Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
