Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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