my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
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I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
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I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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