FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There r osticjed everywhere
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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