just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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